deathfangirl | [RL with Eridan]

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[RL with Eridan]

Aradia hadn't been to too many worlds, and she wasn't sure Eridan would like the one she chose, but it was the one she was most familiar with, so it was where she took them.

The worldhopper she contacted picked them both up and deposited them at the foodcourt on the orbital elevator in the world where she had met the Tenth Doctor.

She was already waiting there, sitting at a table, when Eridan was delivered. The place bustled with humans, who gave them odd looks before moving on, but she ignored them. Nearby, the curve of the Earth, far below, was visible, along with a sparkle of stars as seen from orbit.

She rose from her chair, wary but trying not to show it. This was the first time that she and Eridan had ever been alone together, that she could recall. And she was wary of highbloods in general. It wasn't that she thought Eridan might hurt her, but she knew he could be both callous and volatile, and that he was emotional right now.

But the last thing he needed was another person who didn't believe in him, so she stepped towards him and held out a hand. "I hope this place is okay. It's the only one I really know that isn't Azula's hotel room, or a secret base."

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Some part of him wished there hadn't been people around so he could take out the intense rage he was feeling on the furniture or something like that. Ringed fingers were clenched against his palms, claws almost drawing blood from his skin, as he sat down heavily, angrily, in the chair across from Aradia.

It was weird to be having a conversation with a robot, despite the world, despite the fact he could see the stars, and he knew this happened to her and everything. It was weird because he wasn't even really used to seeing people in person anymore. He'd been alone on his fuckin' planet for so long with only a couple visits from Vris and John and that short time on Sol's world with Fef...he couldn't imagine how he'd have been if no one came to visit. If having John as a moirail and Sol as a kismesis hadn't happened, if he was alone all the time festering in his own anger and hatred and pathos.

It was no wonder he'd gone crazy. It was no wonder he'd killed who he killed. It just pissed him off that the stupid bitches were sitting around letting it happen instead of giving their version of him some fuckin' attention.

"It's fine." he said, voice irritated, "Better'n my fuckin' wworld."

"Yes, I thought so," Aradia said, watching him with calm, glowing red eyes. "Sometimes it's good to just get away. I've been lucky... Azula trolls me pretty regularly to get offworld and watch movies with her, so I haven't gone completely shithive maggots, yet."

Her words were calm, but sympathetic. She had some idea of what he was going through, and thought it was a shame that Feferi and Kanaya didn't seem to want to do anything about it with their Eridan. It had to be hard, knowing that was going to happen, even if he didn't think he would be the one to do it.

"There are some more private rooms, if you want," she offered. "Though there's something here that I think you should try."

Eridan flattened his hand on the table and then lifted his palm, drumming his claws against the table. There were smudges of violet blood on the table where he'd pressed his palm, but he ignored it. It wasn't any kind of big fuckin' deal or anything.

"Sounds like Az is a good moirail." he muttered, "I havven't talked to mine in a wwhile, I'm not sure wwhere I'd start wwith him so..." He shrugged, and exhaled, not looking at her for a few moments. He was starting to feel the sharp knife's edge of panic he sometimes felt when he got emotionally overwhelmed, when things were really getting under his think pan and he couldn't stop dwelling and going over things too often. It was like sinking under a tide, washed out to sea, and it scared him because it was all too fuckin' big to control and nothing made it better.

"I dunno, if I go to a privvate room I might just upright fuckin' destroy it so maybe it isn't such a good idea. Anywway, wwhat's this thing you wwant me to try?"

"Yes, she's good," Aradia said with a slightly pained smile. "But she's human, so I do have some of the same problems you have with John. But I know she cares about me. I have to believe her, when she tells me that."

She rose from the table and put a metal hand on Eridan's shoulder. "I'll be right back, then."

She turned away, heading towards the nearest kiosk, which sold something called ice cream.

He nodded, lowering his gaze again and glaring hard enough at the table that if he'd had Sol's ability, it would've been a smoking pile of synthetic material. As it was, he just nodded, "Yeah, I've needed him lately. I don't knoww wwhat to do about it anywway, though, but I asked him for a feelins jam, so..."

He sighed, and glanced up as Aradia put a hand on his shoulder and walked off to some kiosk with a sign about cream on ice or something. He watched her, eyes narrowed slightly, curious about what she was up to.

"Time runs a lot slower for him," Aradia reminded Eridan gently. "Days or weeks later for us, and it's still the same day for him."

She squeezed his shoulder before departing, and spoke to the man at the kiosk. It took some negotiation, but finally she returned with a large bowl with three different-coloured mounds of frozen concoction, with brown sauces poured on top, and and a long, curved white fruit, like one of Feferi's horns, split in two lengthways and nestled on either side.

She set it down in front of Eridan and slid into the seat next to him. "This is called a 'Barnacle Split'," she said with triumph, offering him a spoon. "It's really weird, but sweet. I tried it once before, and it was very tasty. And I think you'll like it."

He hadn't thought of it that way before. He blinked a bit, looking up at Aradia as she squeezed at his shoulder and headed over to the kiosk. He lifted a hand and patted at his shoulder, looking a little lost for a moment. Somehow that had pulled him out of his spiral of despair for a moment, long enough to think about his moirail and how much he cared about the little soft human. He exhaled, and looked down at his hands again. Maybe he should do something nice for John. Maybe that would make him feel better, make John remember why he'd said yes when Eridan asked him to be moirails.

He glanced up again when Aradia came back and put some weird looking concoction in front of him. His nose wrinkled slightly, instinctively, but the brown sauces looked promising, and the name of it even more so.

"Barnacle Split, huh? Sounds like somethin' I could snack on. And...uh...I like swweets." he said, peering down at it. He took the spoon from Aradia and prodded at one of the frozen mounds, "Wwhere are you supposed to fuckin' start on this thing?"

Aradia was disturbingly good at this. The thought crossed his mind that the panic was dying down a little, he was distracted enough by the sweets and thinking about John. He looked up at her again, his eyes a little wide.

Aradia had quite a bit of experience dealing with Sollux' mood swings, and one of the easiest ways to get her matesprit out of a sneaky hatespiral was to simply distract him. So she had decided to try the same tactic on Eridan.

It seemed to be working.

She had a spoon of her own, and prodded at one of the mounds herself, trying to decide just where she would take a bite. She couldn't process too much food with this robotic body, but she knew she could handle a few bites. She just hadn't realized the thing was going to be so big! When she had come upon the Doctor eating one, it had been almost gone.

"I guess you just dig in," she said with a shrug, then looked up to meet his gaze when he suddenly looked at her with such wide, startled eyes. "What?" she asked, her blue lips pursing in a smile.

Aradia was prodding at the split, and he watched how she went about it before pushing the tip of his own spoon into the brown mound at one end. Scooping up a bit of it, he put it in his mouth, to find it extremely sweet and startlingly cold. He let out a tiny yelp, and put his hand to his mouth.

"Oh, right. Ice." he muttered, looking away from Aradia because his cheeks were flushing a little. That had been awfully stupid, getting surprised by how cold something with "ice" in the name was. He huffed a little, and then glanced back at her.

"Uh, it's nothin'. I mean. It's somethin' but I don't knoww howw to talk about it wwithout comin' across..." he wriggled his hand a little, "Pale or red or somethin'." he paused for a moment, then hastily added, "Not that it's either a those things!"

Aradia only grinned, and dug her own spoon in, taking a tiny bit of the pink mound at her end and putting it on her tongue. "It's not really like anything at home," she said. His reaction, particularly with the blushing and the obvious embarrassment, was sort of endearing.

She cocked her head at his words, her lips twisting wryly. "Okay, then just talk about it however you feel like, and I'll pretend it doesn't sound pale or red or anything like that."

"Okay." he said, his voice a little cautious, "Just so you knoww. I am gettin' upright sick a evveryone thinkin' I'm hittin' on 'em wwhen I'm not intendin' to. That's all."

He paused, putting his spoon back in the brown stuff and eating it without surprise this time, "Wwhat I mean to say is that you're really fuckin' good at this, so I wwas a little surprised. Earlier I wwas..." he waved his hand, frowning, and in spite of himself, tears welled up in his eyes and the rage started to come back at the same time, and he didn't know if they were angry tears or if he was just so hurt he was getting pissed off about it. Kanaya did that to him. She screwed him up so bad.

"It wwas bad."

He paused, "Are you serious about bein' ashen for me and Kan?"

She regarded him solemnly, then set her spoon down and slipped an arm around his waist, leaning on him a little. He could still go on eating, if he wanted, and she hoped that her robot body wasn't too annoying to cuddle. Sollux and Azula didn't mind, but she didn't know Eridan as well.

"I'm glad I could help," she said honestly. "I thought... well, I know if it were me in that situation, it would be pretty awful. It couldn't be any less bad for you."

At his question, she shrugged. "Yes, I see no reason not to be serious. It seems like you both need it, and well... I don't think either of you deserve to die. I'd rather not see either of you kill the other one."

He went stiff when she wrapped an arm around him and cuddled up against his side, completely unused to physical touching of any sort. It had been a while, probably since his lusus had died, and the touch felt foreign. Even the times he'd been around John he'd still been too nervous and ready for rejection to really touch him much. Aradia might've been a robot, but she was touching him, and that was something.

It was strange to think of filling a quadrant with her. He just hoped Sollux wouldn't mind. Or, maybe, mind in the right way.

"I just..." he shook his head, "I'm so fuckin' flushed for her, Ar, and she says these awwful things to me." he sighed, and rubbed at his face, "I should talk to John about this but I dunno if he'd get it."

He paused, glancing down again, and exhaling a little, "So you actually care that much. Okay. Okay then. I wwant you to. If you do."

Aradia felt him go stiff, but didn't withdraw right away, hoping that it would be at least a little comforting. She wasn't sure if he didn't like it, or what, but she figured he could tell her, or pull away, if he didn't want her touching him.

It was just as weird to her to suddenly find herself in a quadrant with Eridan. But at the same time, it felt right. She wasn't sure she felt pity for either of them, but she didn't want them to die, and they needed her.

She sighed. "You are a glutton for punishment, Eridan. With Kanaya's fetish, even if she didn't loathe you with every fibre of her being, there's no way she'd be flushed for you. And she's filled that quadrant with Rose, anyway."

Pursing her lips, she looked up. "And she's got reason to hate you. I understand her perspective, but I also understand yours, which is why I think I can auspiticize between the two of you. So I'll try... and hopefully we can at least keep her from killing this you, even if future you is as good as dead."

He didn't mind the touching, but he didn't know how to respond, so he just dug his spoon into the brown mound again and brought some up to his mouth, his movement jerky and a little awkward. The tears were still sitting in his eyes, feeling wet and warm and stingy and what Aradia said didn't make it any better.

Two of the tears broke away down his cheeks, and then he gave his head a shake, "Yeah, I knoww. I knoww she hates me and about her fetish and Rose and all that. Doesn't change my feelins or..." he shook his head, "I need to stop bein' pathetic. Fuck."

He sighed, looking down at his ice cream. What he needed was John. Aradia was helping a lot, but what he really needed was someone who understood him and would listen, "I'm just sick a bein' treated like a murderer wwhen I'm not."

She sighed softly, watching the purplish tears drip down his cheeks. It was odd... she wasn't sure how to act. She wasn't his moirail and didn't pity him, but at the same time, she had no desire to take advantage of his vulnerability.

"It's okay," she said gently. She was, at least, trying to understand and listen. "It's understandable, how you feel. Anyone would feel the same way, so don't beat yourself up about that."

He snuffed slightly, screwed up his nose and fought the tears out of his eyes. As much as it hurt to have Kanaya tell him how much of an outcast he was for reasons he didn't understand, as much as he hated being blamed for something an alternate version of himself was doing and that he never intended to do, he didn't want to cry in front of anyone but John. Ar was nice enough, it was real big of her to be helping him out like this - maybe a bit beyond what an auspistice was really supposed to do. He liked it, though. It made him feel a bit better that someone at least understood.

He exhaled sharply, and ran ring-adorned knuckles across his eyes to get rid of the tears, "Anyway, I knoww I'm a fuckin' outcast, she doesn't havve to fuckin' tell me."

"You're not an outcast," Aradia said gently. She knew he was just feeling sorry for himself, and it might have annoyed her on another day, but not when he was crying and really had a good reason to feel bad. She pressed her metal forehead to his shoulder and hugged him. "You do have people who care about you, and a kismesis, and even me. Don't discount us because of things one person said."

His eyes stung again when she started talking, and he pushed his knuckles against both eyes, hissing slightly through his teeth because it hurt, but she was right. That had been exactly what he'd been trying to tell Kan when Ar had intervened - he wasn't an outcast because he had a kismesis and a moirail and they cared about him in their own ways, and now he even had an auspistice.

Who was hugging him.

He exhaled another hiss, and let his body relax against hers, and even if it was a cold robot body it was more affection than he'd had in a hell of a long time. It made him tear up so bad he was nearly poking his own eyes out with his rings, but he finally spoke again, quietly and with a really thick rasp to his tone, "Yeah, Ar, I knoww. I'm not gonna, because that'd be upright fuckin' unfair. You lot are the best quadrant fills a troll could havve so you better fuckin' believve I'm grateful."

Aradia smiled at his response. He was still emotional, she knew, and crying. But she felt like she'd gotten through to him, and that meant that hopefully he was going to be okay.

"It'll be okay, Eridan," she said gently. "You're not alone. And that's the big difference between this you, and the you that Kanaya knows. She doesn't know, just how different it is."

He exhaled, trying to reconcile the lot of weird feelings he had jumbled up inside, fighting down the tears. He both felt he deserved better because he was a high-blood, because he was so high up that half the people picking on him shouldn't be able to see his flippers and like he was the worst kind of second-class citizen. Maybe that was why two of his quadrant fills were low-bloods and his other one a human. Maybe it was just that only low-bloods could understand because of some kind of ostracism or something complicated he didn't entirely understand.

It was complicated. It was hard, but at least he was sort of starting to feel like someone understood.

"It makes a big difference. Kan wwas nevver alone and nevver left out, she doesn't get howw much it can...fuck wwith a troll's head."

"That may be true," Aradia agreed. Everyone liked Kanaya, though not always in the way she wanted. Aradia was willing to bet that Kanaya felt lonely sometimes, too, or at least unhappy about things. It sometimes seemed as though she was doomed to be the auspitice to everyone, and never the one with romance of her own.

But it probably wouldn't help to point that out, right now.

"But like I said," she said, more cheerfully. "You're not alone and not left out. You might not have everything you ever wanted, but no one does. Try to appreciate what you have."

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[RL with Eridan]

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